Soften your Suffering with Self-Compassion

Have you ever felt like you are not good enough, or that you are constantly failing or struggling in life? Have you ever been harsh or critical of yourself, or felt ashamed or guilty for your mistakes or flaws? If you answered yes, then you are not alone. Most of us have experienced these feelings at some point in our lives, and they can cause a lot of pain and suffering.

But what if there was a better way to deal with these feelings? What if instead of judging or blaming ourselves, we could treat ourselves with kindness, understanding, and support? What if instead of feeling isolated or inadequate, we could feel connected and worthy? What if instead of being overwhelmed or discouraged, we could be resilient and optimistic?

This is what self-compassion is all about. Self-compassion is the practice of being kind and caring toward ourselves, especially when we are facing difficulties or challenges. It is the recognition that we are human beings who are imperfect and vulnerable, and that we share these experiences with others. It is the balance between being mindful and accepting of our thoughts and feelings, without being swept away or suppressed by them. It is the kindness we give to friends, but rarely to ourselves.

Self-compassion is not a new concept. It has been around for thousands of years, and it is a core component of many spiritual and psychological traditions, such as Buddhism, Christianity, and Stoicism. However, in recent decades, self-compassion has gained more attention and popularity, thanks to the pioneering research and work of Dr. Kristin Neff, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

According to Dr. Neff, self-compassion has three main components:

• Self-kindness: This is the ability to be gentle, supportive, and encouraging toward ourselves, rather than harsh, critical, or demanding. It is the willingness to soothe and comfort ourselves, rather than punish or hurt ourselves, when we are suffering.

• Common humanity: This is the recognition that we are not alone in our struggles, but that we are part of a larger community of people who share similar experiences and feelings. It is the awareness that suffering is part of the human condition, and that we are not defective or abnormal because of it.

• Mindfulness: This is the skill of being present and attentive to our thoughts and feelings, without ignoring, avoiding, or exaggerating them. It is the ability to observe and accept our reality, without being judgmental or reactive.

Dr. Neff's research has shown that self-compassion has many benefits for our well-being and happiness. For example, people who are more self-compassionate tend to:

• Have higher levels of self-confidence and self-worth

• Have lower levels of depression, anxiety, and stress

• Have more positive emotions, such as joy, gratitude, and love

• Have better relationships and communication with others

• Have more motivation, perseverance, and achievement

• Have more healthy lifestyle habits

• Have more coping and resilience skills

In other words, self-compassion can help us live a more fulfilling and meaningful life, and it can also help us overcome the challenges and difficulties that we face along the way.

How can we practice self-compassion in our daily lives? Kristin Neff offers many exercises to try here. Some I found valuable are:

• Self-Compassion Break: When a situation in your life is causing you stress, say to yourself: “This is a moment of suffering.” (mindfulness) “Suffering is part of life.” (common humanity) “May I be kind to myself” or “May I give myself the compassion I need.” (kindness)

• Self-Compassion Journal: At the end of the day, write about a time that you feel bad about or judged yourself for so you can process the event in a self-compassionate way. Connect to your feelings (mindfulness), write about how the event is part of the human experience and everyone has times of feeling pain (common humanity). Finally, give yourself some words of comfort in a gentle, reassuring way (kindness).

• Supportive Touch: When you’re feeling bad, touch activates the parasympathetic nervous system and the release of oxytocin to make us feel calm and safe. Take a few deep breaths and then put one or both hands over your heart. Feel the rise and fall of your chest. Instead of your heart, other options to try are putting your hands on your cheeks, stroking your arms, or crossing your arms and giving yourself a squeeze.

Self-compassion is not about being selfish or weak. It is a powerful and courageous way of being kind to yourself and to others!